goodboyaj

Well, maybe it's teenage-girl-trite, or even a bit gay, but last week I had the desire to write something, something poetic. So I attempted to just do a flow of thoughts and phrases that were in my head and heart... once I put them all down on paper, I was noticing a pattern, and that pattern reminded me of Haiku... the beats, the rhythm... I followed the standard 5-7-5 (I think that is the traditional anyway) and put a double in the middle section... I think that traditional Haiku also has a lot to do with nature, the elements, and I usually have a sensibility and sensitivity to the elements... well, here it is anyway... for me, for you, for the hell of it!



Following your heart

Out from the known wilderness

Now through tomorrow

 

Let the wind own me

Resist the unknown no more

Yesterday, today

 

Gaze into a pool

Ignoring the reflection

Never see myself

 

Knowing now my path

Standing in the dark

Following the moving light

When it’s dark more than it shines

Fifteen steps forward

Soon will be nineteen

 

Standing on the peak

Everything within full view

Changing never done

 

Yesterday’s darkness

Pushing forward into chance

Seeing new endings

The last 7 or so days have been a very odd combination of elation and disappointment, but all-in-all, I can say that I am happy with where I am and where I see myself going. And equally important, I am happy with the people that on the journey with me.

 

I will start off with the disappointment – Last week at work we had the displeasure of a Federal Survey. (as a healthcare facility who accepts Medicare and Medicaid monies, we have to maintain over 500 regulations, and get yearly surveys (or inspections) from the Illinoice Department of Public Health. Federal Surveys happen about 5% of the time, and most people in healthcare only have one or two that happen in their career) Since we had just had our yearly IDPH survey 3 weeks ago and the fact that I know the regulations for my area pretty well, I was not concerned at all about the sate of my department and was ready for anything that they might throw at me. I was wrong. This was my first Fed survey, and while the inspectors were quite pleasant people, they were there to do a job, and that job was to find things that were not done, could be done better, or should never be done and while they were looking at us specifically, they were also judging the job done by the state level inspectors, so looking for fault became WAY more intense… every little thing that was “uncovered” was done so with a air of “why is this THIS way, and why didn’t THEY find it before” – not a good time at all. Our entire staff was on edge, working 10-12 hours days, and by the end of the week, we were all pretty snappy. Finally on Friday, they meet with our Executive Director and Administrator to report the potential findings… and yes, you guessed it – I had a “deficiency” in the HR record-keeping… I have now gone thru 5 of these surveys, and this was my first deficiency. I was not happy. My bosses were no happy.  I won’t pretend that this finding is without merit, but since ignorance is no defense, I will take responsibility for it like a professional. But I can’t pretend that I am not disappointed in myself. The only upside for me is that there were other deficiencies to deflect the attention from me on a very small level. There is some comfort in numbers, even when there is no comfort to be had. I still think the retribution and repercussions are yet to hit.

 

The elation f the past week comes in specifically in my personal life where I have recently reached a new understanding on myself leading to a renewed and revitalized relationship with Newton. It’s no secret that he and I were together for a year, and I ended the relationship about 3 months ago. During that time I never once fell out of love with him, but can be quoted as saying that “love isn’t enough to make a relationship work”. And so I was unhappy that the fates had chosen to draw us apart, and I was destined to be hopelessly in love with someone with whom I was not compatible. I dated, had sex, bought new furniture, drank a lot, and felt very alone, and very incomplete.  However, I failed at doing the one thing that I pride myself on doing, and that is looking inside myself, understanding myself, and being my advocate for my own happiness. I had ended my relationship with Newton and asked him to move out because I wasn’t happy with what I was getting from the relationship, or so I led myself to believe. The truth was that I wasn’t happy with myself, and the way I was living my life. I had tried so hard to have my parents’ marriage, and was pretty successful at it – boring, routine, passionless, bitter, with an ever-present current of love, acceptance, respect, and security – it was mediocre. And while there are some good, solid things in that list, and it works for my parents who are soon to celebrate their 41^st Anniversary, it is not what I want or need in a relationship. I was punishing Newton for both being the person that he is, the person that I am in love with and for adapting to what I thought I wanted from “us”. All the things that I love about him were the things that didn’t fit into the mold of the relationship that I decided 20 years ago was the ideal, and all the things that he did to make me happy were only making me feel guilty and resentful of him not being himself. I ruined the greatest love of my life by not really understanding myself.

 

In this last month, Newton and I have started to rebuild our relationship. We started with those things that caused us to be giddy, cute and all schmoopy when we first met… then we layered in those things that worked for us when we lived together. We have very consciously made choices to eliminate the areas that caused us both unhappiness, and have decided to enjoy each other and live in the moment. And it’s working for me, for him, and for us. I have a long way to go to earn his forgiveness, but I am thankful that he realizes what we have together, (that he always knew what we had) and I am still looking inside of myself and separating out what I do out of fear, and what I do because it’s what I want I need to do for myself. It’s a journey, and exciting one, but I have a wonderful man at my side to help me enjoy and cherish it.

Labels exist. And as often as we all say that we don’t fit into one, don’t use them, and despise them, we run to them for comfort, security, and identity.  (it's ok for me to be in the dressing room with her, She's my BFF and I'm Gay!) But what I think that we really want to be saying is that we are not ONLY those things that we are labeled, that we are not stereotypes of some group, some label, or some set of pre-determined characteristics. At least that is true for me.

 

So, as an exercise I thought that I would try to list some of the labels that I might apply to myself, so that I can own them and on some level break the molds…

 

Male – White – Gay – Adopted – Bear – Midwestern – Chicagoan – Musician – Composer -

HR Professional – Funny - Open-minded – Coffee Drinker - Polyamorous – Smoker – Reader – Drinker…

 

Even in this short list I can think of things that I am NOT, but people might assume because of the label… For instance, yes I am a white male, but I can dance! And I may identify as being adopted, but I feel as connected to my (adoptive) parents as if they were blood. I like to read, but don’t always have a book in hand, I work in HR but I’m not a jag-off, I am a musician but haven’t played or sung anything in over a year, I am a Chicagoan but don't know any mobsters…   (even in that list, I have given into stereotypes, and on some level enforced them by claiming to not fit into them)

 

This all comes about because I recently had a conversation with a guy that I happen to be in love with, but we were previously unable to make a relationship work for us in the traditional-1950’s housewife-what my parents have-what everyone expects-monogamous kind of way. We broke up months ago, were miserable apart, have recently started to spend more time together, and started to act like a couple again. On (this historic!) election night he was over at my place to watch the returns and I asked “So ummm, are we dating?” He of course rolled his eyes since he knows that this was going to lead to Andrew “having a conversation” and then over-analyzing everything… I assured him that I was still trying to enjoy my “live in the moment” approach, but that I just wanted to define where we are right now, and that I would let the next steps present themselves as they would. I was in fact asking to put a label on “us” and the relationship. I needed that comfort, that security and that definition… And since that night and that short conversation, I have felt renewed… and I now have that comfort and security that we are on the same page, feeling the same things, and yes, maybe even heading in the same direction.

 

I can say that yes I do believe there are many downsides to labeling (or stereotyping), and that there are so many things about us as individuals and groups that can not be effectively labeled, But at the same time there are also many positive uses of those labels, and feeling like a member of those groups in spite of and in support of the many things that either fit into those molds or not. We just have to be aware of those dangers and differences and be sure to maintain our own identity.

I have never been a political person, opinionated, yes, but not very political.

Two years ago during a conversation with my father I said that I firmly believed that the American public would accept a white female president sooner than a black male. I didn't think that we were totally over the racial tensions of our past and our present. I didn't believe that there was enough open-mindedness to look beyond the color of someones skin. When Hillary didn't get the nomination, I was scared and certain that we would be doomed to another 4 years of a Republican in our highest office because I didn't think that our states would ever be united under a leader of color.

Last night, watching coverage frm my couch, I shed tears because I was so overwhelmed, so happy - happy that we do have the opportunity for positive change, happy that I was alive to witness history, happy that I shared those moments with someone special, happy that our voices were heard.

But I also heard the echo of my own words, and looked at my beliefs and I was also happy that I was so, so wrong. I was (and am) happy that the people of our nation collectivly decided that we can "live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character" - MLK

I now think and belive that last night was the first of many historic events that I will witness in my lifetime.

Yes. Yes We Can. And Did. And Will.

I have a weird, mangled and tangled cluster of emotions going on today. There are so many things happening in my life that I am not sure what is cause which feeling right now…  There is the excitement and anticipation of the election, there is this surprise (and TOTALLY unexpected) Federal Inspection going on at work all damn week, the beautiful, beautiful weather, the lingering electricity and euphoria from this past weekend, a depleted bank account and way too many bills (including stupid parking tickets!), and a host of fun, confusing, scary, and exciting personal / love life things going on… plus the two grande mochas that I have already gone thru and all before 9am! WHEEE!!!

 

I think that this might be one of those times that trying to figure out what’s happening to me will only cause me to miss out on what is happening to me… so time to just get on the train and ride it baby!!!

They say if the Redskins play the night before the election and loose, the party currently in the White house will also loose the election.

They played last night,

They lost.

We will win.

Now get out to vote and make sure that we do.

I have this little rule that I have lived by…. If I play, I pay…. It usually applies specifically to my partaking of the drink (or other substances) on a school night and then forcing myself to go to work the following day. I have only twice in my life called in sick because of partying, and I really do hate myself when I do. It’s not that I am not that dedicated to my job, but I am THAT dedicated to my work ethic. I realize that there are consequences to my actions, and I am adult enough to take my medicine when I have to. (In fact, the first time that I called in “sick” because of playing the previous night, I told my boss about my rule, but said that I was still actually kind of drunk, but would be in if he needed me. The following day he applauded my honesty and audacity to call in drunk but told me to lie to him in the future!)

 Lately though my little rule has had grander applications. I have been trying this “live in the moment” approach to try to pull myself out of my over-analytical head and start living my life a little more fully. And for the most part, it is working for me. I let my heart take the lead a little more than my head, and I am finding some renewed joy in life, some new freedoms, and I am seeing that a lot of things going on in my head were really getting in the way of  my happiness. (I have a lot of personal double standards in my own list wants/needs/desires to work though still…)

 Today someone said to me, “What you think is the happiness of today will be nothing but regrets in hindsight. Is this pleasure worth the pain that might be coming because of these decisions?”

 Umm wow.

 Well, first – Yes. Yes, these pleasures and happiness are totally worth any potential pain that might be down the road no matter how great the price. I do not have regret about what I am doing right now and I am smart enough to know what possibilities the future might hold, but yes. Totally worth it!

 Secondly, perception is reality, and we all act and react based on what we know, feel, or believe to be the truth. So the things that make me happy right now are really making me happy!!! What fool regrets happiness in hindsight?

 Finally, who the hell knows WHAT is really coming? And if I was so sure that there would be pain down the road because I am choosing to “play” right now, then I will be adult enough to accept that I will have to pay and deal with what I have to deal with. But I can no longer NOT do something because there might be something else or something more out there, or some price that I am not willing pay… nothing is certain, so why deny myself joy right now?

 And so, my cautious friends out there – keep this in mind, as cliché as it is…

 I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost, Than never to have loved at all.

~ Alfred Lord Tennyson

Why do I find it so easy to fall into a downward spiral?

 

I mean, as long as I can remember, I have had these mood swings, and I made the choice to not be medicated in order to control them. And as often as I suffer because of that I don’t regret that choice. I like my highs, and I usually can appreciate the lows as well...  But I usually find the lows more bearable when I can share them with someone. When I am in a low, I usually get more emotional about the small stuff, I think and analyze way too much, and I can get very clingy but I also get more jaded, and more funny about myself and the world in general. I am also pretty good at putting on a happy face and eventually believing it, or at least letting the sadness pass. And at those times that I am funny, I can remember the person that I can be when I am not so sad, upset or depressed. That can sometimes be endearing.  But when I am in a low and alone, it becomes nothing short of a pity party for one, and that’s nothing but just annoying.  For everyone.

 

But today hit me like a ton of shitbricks out of nowhere, and I am just not happy about anything. The strange thing is that nothing major happened: I had to get up early to get to work for some Benefits meetings, but that’s just business as usual. Then some fag tried to read me because his name come up in conversation with someone else, but I can chalk that him having the emotional and intellectual range of a 6^th grade dropout. Later in the day I read my horoscope that told me to ignore everything that happened early in this month because mercury is in retrograde and I wasn’t making sound decisions, but I have too little faith in those to let that make any difference… and finally, I will close out this evening by hanging out with my last HS girlfriend with whom I reconnected thanks to Facebook.

 

These are not things that should amount to any sort of depression… maybe some reflection, maybe a few good jokes, but not this level of depression. I mean, I just got home from work, and the only thing keeping me from crawling into bed and crying is this stupid LJ post… Im not even freaked about being depressed, but I am freaked that I don’t know why. I can deal with a known monster, it’s those monsters in the dark that scare me.

I have always been a creature of habit. I like things done in a certain way, and at a certain time. For instance, I have my morning routine down to the timing of the traffic lights, when I take a drink of my coffee, when I light a cigarette. I have been like this as long as I can remember. There is comfort in routine, there is security in it, and when something happens out of the ordinary, I can more easily make adjustments because I know where the track is when I have to get back on it. And I have been able to thrive and be happy with that.

However, I am starting to learn that there are adventures to be had, fun to be found, and different happinesses and rewards to be had off the beaten paths of my life, in the weeds beyond the road more often travelled. I am finding that sometimes if you squint into the sun as you move forward, you can enjoy the treats in the shade just that little bit more…

Recently I have found myself surrounded with people who are less about the routine of life, and more about the go-with-the-flow mentality. Usually I would run screaming from that, but I think that I have gotten to a place in my life where I realize both that I deserve the fun and adventure and that I actually want the fun and adventure. And while I understand the wisdom of the known, the unknown has proven to give me some of the greatest rewards in my life:

In 2003 I took a job at a Nursing Home that has led me to the career that I currently have.

In 2005 I accepted a job in Boston when I have never lived more than 40 miles away from the home that I grew up in.

In 2006 I first referred to myself as a ‘bear’.

In 2007 I fell in love with a free-spirited, Mohawk-sporting guy living 1000 miles away from me.

The most important lesson I am learning now is that while each decision to vary from my “norm” rewards me immediately with something new, the real happiness and payoff comes later. Each one of the above has been life changing in more ways than I can count, and I can never repay the fates for the opportunities to learn, to enjoy my life, to be myself, and for the extraordinary adventures that have resulted.

I am adopted. My parents signed the paperwork and I was adopted at only two weeks old. I have never known any other parents, so the terms biological parents and adoptive parents don’t really apply to me.

 

Yesterday at a work pizza-party-lunch-birthday thing, a co-worker started to talk to us about the idea of her and her husband adopting. Of the 15 people present, 4 others were also adopted, and all of us at a very young age. We talked about how we were first informed that we were adopted, our thoughts on abortion, and our views about finding our biological parents. The interesting/odd note here is that the females were all VERY interested in knowing their biological mothers, not as interested in the fathers, and the men (me included) were VERY uninterested in meeting either. (I wonder why that is?)  And someone said something that just hit me like very different two tons of bricks.

 

A woman, adopted, said that it was important to her to know where she came from because the combination of the nature AND nurture would help her to understand where she fit in.

 

PART ONE: "Fit in."

 

PART TWO: "The Combination of Nature AND Nurture."

 

Part One: As an HR person, I must use the term “fit” a gatrillion times a day… during interviews, during employee relations cases, when writing position descriptions, during team building, training, etc… and I have never once really thought about how I fit-in in my social and personal life. I guess I just assumed that I was in places, groups, and with people where I did fit in. If I am ever uncomfortable someplace, I can either find a way to adapt, I can leave or I can deal with it and just not return. This makes me start to think again about labels, groups, communities, and circles that we have available to us and all around us.

 

As a gay man, most straight folks assume that I get along with every other gay man in the world and just because a bar is loaded with other gay men, I go there because we are all the same, have the same goals, and socialize the same. The Gays know better. Most gay men know that in Chicago the cute, thin, trendy, young gay boys go to Roscoe’s and Scarlet and would never even talk to someone over 30 and 30 lbs overweight. Other gay men know that Touché and Jackhammer is the only place to find furry, mature, leather-clad, stocky men on the first Saturday of the month. Other gay men know that there are specific places that they fit in, crowds they can belong to, and people to befriend. (Yes, I know that is over-stereotyping, but there is more than a grain of truth to it) we have identified our best FIT, and we stick to it. You will often hear from the “otters” that they are too thin for the bears and too thick for the twinks, and they constantly struggle to identify their best fit. Theses guys want to fit into the Bear world (and in truth i think that they do) but they don’t feel like they do… they could easily mingle and mix into in the twink world but don’t want to. It’s an interesting quandary and it’s also a commentary on our perceptions or ourselves… But the opposite has been true for me for most of life… I didn’t really even know about the Bear world, and I came out and started to find my identity in the twink and drag bars, but always feeling just a little different from everyone else around me. It wasn’t until I was in Boston in 2006 that I discovered this new and interesting subculture called Bears… and once I started to identify with and as a bear, I found myself more at ease, and actually finally able to accept myself, furry chest, tummy and all. So while I have spent all this time looking for a place to fit in and trying to adapt to the places that I found myself in, what I should have been doing is finding that I do actually fit in my own skin. But I needed that place of comfort, that place where I did truly fit to be able to let my guard down enough to look at myself. That place was the bear community. The combination of finally getting to be a furry overweigth gay man in a bar, the comfort I felt, and the acceptance of others like me gave me the time and ability to look inward and realize that I am me. And that I am ok with being me.

 

 

Part Two: But this woman also took it to a new level from me. The idea that there is something in me, my nature, that I have no control over. Something that exists in me beyond my control that has the power to guide me in my life without my knowing about it, without my really having a say… That interests me. I can look at myself and my family and say that I am controlling because my mother was very controlling, I take risks in my life because I saw my father regret risks he didn’t take, I use humor as a way to endear people to me because my grandfather was a funny guy who everyone wanted to be around, I can not be comfortable unless there is some sense of routine in my life because I always had that as a child, I use food to express emotions because that’s how my grandmother did it, I believe in the long-standing power of commitment because for 68 years my grandparents lived, loved, fought, cried and laughed as a couple. Those are all things that are a part of who I am because of my environment, because of the people around me, not necessarily because it’s “in my blood”.

 

So, I wonder: What are the things that I am when we add the biological or nature into the mix? Those may be more easily defined I guess through medical science, but what are the things that I would have been because of the potential (and missed) combination of nature and nurture had I been raised by biological parents? Would I still smoke? Would I still be gay? Would I still be overweight? I can speculate on so many things because of the “knowns” I have on the nurture side of things with the parents that did raise me, but I will never know what could have different about me if the combination would have been different. It’s easy to say that I would have had a very different life with a different economical status, and maybe even different regional characteristics, but I will never know what could have been different about my personality. And what it comes to for me is that I am who and what I am right now. Nothing is now going to change that at this point in my life except for me. No one and nothing has the power to make me any different except for me. Know that my biological mother was a teenaged, unwed mother, or that she was raped, or that she slept with gardner, or that she was rich, poor, happy, depressed, thin, fat, or anything else can change who I am right now.  Only I have the power, and the responsibility, to be who I am.

vimeo.com/1211060

First, I smiled, then I laughed, then I actually started to cry...

I wish I was able to find those moments of pure, simple happiness that they have found even in the darkest places on earth...
I wish we all would.

Well, this weekend brought me into another year of life, and with that the usual reminiscence, binge drinking, and a good 24 hours of emo contemplation. And I realized something: I never appreciate what I have in the moment.

 

This is not the first time the phrase has been said to me, and I’m sure it’s not the last, but this weekend for the first time, I really realized it, I felt it, and I recognized it. And frankly, it’s a little scary.

 

I have always characterized myself as someone who has the ability to think ahead, to think on the bigger scale, and in my career, that’s a great thing. In my personal life however, I think that I have let beautiful moments pass because I was too busy trying to figure out the next move, the meaning behind this move and what possible long-term outcomes I should expect. Ultimately, I have missed out on being swept away in the moment.

 

I first realized this on Thursday night when I was out with a co-worker, some good friends, and some people I don’t usually care to be with. But with the assistance of beer, jeager shots, and driving beat of the dance floor, I stopped caring. I was celebrating my life, my birthday, and just danced, laughed, flirted, was gorgeous, and really let myself be in the moment. Personalities didn’t matter, other people didn't matter, the past didn’t matter, tomorrow didn’t matter, there was no conflict, no responsibility, no worry – just the music and the laughter. And it was wonderful… but being me, I did pay for it all.

 

Friday morning I woke up first with a hangover, upset stomach, and then the memories and feelings of everything from the night before.  I found myself in an emo state like no other (No, not Oregon!) and could not pull myself out of it. I was mired in the dull throbbing pain, and a swirling “what did that mean” thought process. So, for every bit of fun Thursday night brought, I had regret and lost opportunities on Friday – the lost opportunity to just sleep in and enjoy it, the lost opportunity to accomplish some home-chores, to shop, to relish the weather, and soon I was cancelling on my BF for the evening and watching LifeTime through tears - loosing another oportunity to share my life with him. Layer in various IMs and e-mails from long-lost friends, school chums and old girlfriends (yes, I was once a herto!) thanks to FaceBook, and I had the makings of a depression that Ben and Jerry would not be able to swing we away from – and Lord did they try!

 

Until the tide started to turn when I woke Saturday morning, alone, and my first thought was I was alone. My second thought was that I didn’t have to be. And I realized that I had again become a victim of myself, my emotion, and my inability to cease the moments, the opportunities in front of me…

 

timsimms texted me the night before to let me know that he was there if I needed anything, and I ignored him (and left him a breath away from jail it would seem!) and what I really wanted was to have him there with me, to share my hangover and misery, and lift me from it – which he did on Saturday – but I was too stuck in a cycle of thought, doubt and depression (and pride to some degree) to let him in. And I suffered. Alone. And I lost out. I am so very grateful that he was true to his word and was there for me when I finally could and did let him in. And our Saturday day, afternoon, evening, and night (at Bear Night/Touche), Sunday morning and afternoon together were just perfect. And I let myself enjoy being with him, in his arms, in those moments. Surrounded with happiness, friends, and peace.

 

So, all-in-all, I had a great birthday and one fitting for my life – I partied and paid for it; I was moody and lost out; I had a personal mini-epiphany; I had a great time; I reconnected with myself; I allowed myself to let someone in; I found the joy in the moments, and got some cool gifts. I won’t complain!

Tomorrow I will be 36 years old. (I hate when people say 36 years “young”. I don’t know why.) But I thought that it might be time for me to take stock of some things in my life that I want(ed) to do…

 

1. See a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. This is on my mind mostly because they made it into post season this year and there is a lot of hoopla at the moment. I did once have tickets, was in my seat, but the game was cancelled because a player from the opposing team had dies the night before… I got drunk on margaritas instead.
2. Get a manicure. I am gay. I think grooming is important. I have never paid to get my nails done. It just seems like something that I need to do.
3. Go to Vegas. I am not someone who likes to travel in planes. I like to drive, so that has limited me over the years to my vacation spots.
4. Be a composer. Edit: Be a published composer. I have always considered myself to be a musician, a conductor, and composer. And my definition, I am all three. What I am not is a published composer. I have had many pieces performed; I have help to edit, write and perform many pieces in many styles, but have yet to get published. I need to work on this.
5. Live in another city. I had the great fortune and misfortune to live in Boston for two years. I moved there with Geoff to follow my heart and a new career path, and I don’t regret it one little bit. I say unfortunately because there were a lot of life changes that happened out there that I didn’t anticipate or enjoy one bit. I met great people in Boston, and it is a beautiful city, but I did finally realize that Chicago is my home, and I love it here.
6. Deal with my fear of heights. I can remember being at the top of a staircase as a kid and freaking out about being up so high. I was frozen. Stuck in place by fear. I finally got over that fear by parasailing about 10 years ago and realizing that I had to find the confidence in myself and trust that I would not be hurt. When I was up there, floating by a rope, I saw the world, MY world from a new and beautiful perspective. Now, I want wings!
7. Write a Children’s Book. I have had this idea about a dog that sees people in terms of auras, and not nationality. I want to address how we see stereotypes as associated with race. I have not found anyone who can draw the dog and illustrations the way that I see them in my head, and I can’t draw at all!
8. Own property. I have a great fear of water heaters exploding, roofs collapsing, and saving money. I don’t see this happening for another 10 years. And I’m ok with that.
9. Being Married. Yes, to a man. This is obviously a two-fold item – first I would have to fall in love with someone that I could spend my life with, and two, we would have to have legalized gay marriage. There have been a lot of positive steps taken on both counts… but we are not all the way there… yet!!!
10. Find vocational happiness. I used to wish that I could be a full-time musician. I know that I personally can not support myself through music alone. And I am ok with that. I am currently an HR Director in a not-for-profit Elder Care Community, and I love it. I have worked in the NFP sector for most of my adult life in some fashion – Academia, Arts, and now healthcare. I love the idea that I can go 100 feet from my office and see my employees interact with the residents. I can see what I am doing each day. I don’t need to wait for a quarterly report, watch our stock prices or get a review from my boss to know if I am doing a good job. I know that I make a difference in the lives of those older people that live here. I wouldn’t change that for anything.

So, out of the 10 things that came to my mind, I have accomplished two. And honestly, I am ok with that, because I can look back at my life and I really have no regrets about my path. Life is full of twists, changes, happiness, sadness, and love. I have had 35 years and 364 days of life filled with love. Who would want to change that? (why do I feel like singing Rent all of the sudden! LOL!)

Every night for the last few years I have fallen asleep with the sounds of rain thanks to my little sound machine / alarm clock. I realized this morning that I have not turned it on for the last three nights, and I can’t come up with one reason why.

 

My sleeping habits have not changed. There isn’t anyone sharing my bed that hasn’t been, there aren't any new aural stimulations, and if anything, my life has been a little more stressful recently, but not more than it has been before. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened or changed - I think.

I have been a smoker for more than half my life. There is not one person in my life that likes that I smoke. I have asthma, I don’t ever have enough money, and I am already unhealthy enough. But I like smoking. I have tried to quit so many times, but I always start again because, well, I like it. It’s part of me. It has been a way to deal with nervous energy, a way to meet and hang with people, and even a way to say fuck you to people. It’s a part of me. It’s something that I have done my entire adult life. So why would I try to change that? Because it’s bad for me. Ultimately nothing good will result from my smoking. There are other ways to deal with nervous energy, to socialize, and to say fuck you to people. Better ways that won’t harm me.

 

We all have things about ourselves that are not the way we want them. For me, it’s smoking. But for others it could be stubbornness, or swearing, or being too controlling, or cheating, or drinking, or meth, whatever. And I am fascinated by how and why we hold on so tightly to those things that we KNOW are bad for us, that will harm us.

 

Why do we continue to be possessive and controlling when we know that in the end we will be left alone? Why do we keep smoking when we know that the iron lung is days away? For me, it’s because it is totally my decision, my consequences. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make me quit – and trust me, they have ALL tried – but I still have just this one thing that is totally and completely mine and mine alone. Am I addicted to the nicotine? I’m sure that’s it on some small level, but I have addicted to coke for almost two years and just stopped doing it one day with no issues, no withdrawal, and I am told that coke has a much greater hold on you so I’m sure that I can get past that part. It is the habitual nature of smoking? Yes, I do like to have a ciggie in the car as I drive, or when I have more than 12 oz of beer in me, but I can always do without if it’s too much trouble or will bother someone else. I don’t get up in the morning and run to have one, I don’t need that post-orgasm puff…

 

I think it boils down to this: it is something that I use to define myself. Pure and simple. I am a smoker. I am gay. I am a musician. I love decorating. I am a good listener. I am bad with money. I am adopted. I am a Libra. I love shopping. I am a smoker. I know I should try to eliminate those harmful things from my life, but I can’t – or won’t. I know I shouldn’t spend $250.00 on a lamp too, but I still will…

 

I try to be very sensitive to those around that don’t like it, or can’t be around smoke. I have no problem with the smoking bans because I get that others don’t want to be around it. Smoking is MY thing and I have no intention of harming anyone else with it. But maybe in the long run, I am harming people… someday someone will have to deal with my asthma attacks, someone will visit me in the hospital if I get throat cancer, and someone will be there to mourn when I eventually, potentially die.

 

And I wonder how many times I have been the victim of someone else’s “defining flaw” without ever really knowing it, and without them really knowing or caring… how often have I run from someone because they can’t control their anger or refuse to be faithful or can’t give up the green-puff? How many times have I given up on someone because they are night-owls or too stubborn to compromise or they drink too much?

 

And how many of those things am I without even knowing it?
 

I had coffee with a co-worked from Boston who was passing thru town on Friday... and as she was telling me about some of the folks at work she said...

"Well, ya know, some people are like Slinkys: Just sitting there, they are useless, but wicked fun when ya push them down the stairs!"


How right she is.

I have been listening to the same 20 or so songs for about 2 months, with some choral in there as well until this weekend when I really went heavy into the choral stuff... But this afternoon, doing laundry, I went back to the pop stuff. It occured to me that for the last two months those songs said something very specific to me, and spoke to me mostly because of my state of mind. But today, they said something VERY different. something more positive, more hopeful, something more "me" I would like to think...

I guess that I'm just glad to realize that the dark clouds I have been living under for a few months are starting to lift and I can again hear the lyrics and music for what it is, what it can be... beautiful.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/aa15baae2b

Wow.
this made me happy!

Well, I have been gone from here a long time… 49 weeks since my last post I am told! Oy! One day I will revisit and journal the last 49 weeks, but for now, I just need/want a place to share and (re)connect with folks, get reacquainted with those many wonderful people that I have neglected for so long - and beg forgiveness!?! So – where I am now?

 

Chicago, Ravenswood neighborhood specifically, working again in Human Resources in Elder care (loving the job, but not the organization), Living alone and learning to enjoy being single again… but going on dates with some adorable guys and rebuilding a group of friends, and reconnecting with my family 

 

And while this past year has brought me to new places emotionally both good and bad, I am happy for the journey – and looking forward to the next twists, turns and paths

So… Holla attcha boy! (Really? Did I really just type that!)